The death of someone we know, especially someone close to us, is probably the most devastating experience we can ever undergo.

The feeling of loss and the very real pain can seem unbearable - there may seem no way forward, and we might feel bewildered by what has happened.

There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve for the person who has died. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the loss, and a different level of strength to carry them through to the point where they feel able to rebuild their lives.

Some people may shut their feelings away and outwardly appear to carry on as normal, even if they feel inside they are falling apart. Others may find it cathartic to talk about the person who has died to others and to express how they are feeling.

The initial reaction when someone has died is often disbelief, especially if the death was sudden or unexpected. It takes time for the truth to sink in - the shock can affect people physically, making them feel numb and stunned. Often the reality of the funeral is the prompt, which forces acceptance that someone has really gone forever.

There may be other questions asked, too. Death can seem cruel and very unfair, and 'Why did it have to happen?' is something we all want to know. The truth is that there is no simple answer, and part of the pain of grief comes from the struggle to find one.

When someone dies, it can turn your life upside down. While you want to shut yourself away, there will be practical problems to address - forms to fill in, difficulties with money or accommodation, children to look after or disposing of a home and possessions. They are all pressures that seem even worse because they come at a time when we are feeling less able to cope.

However, keeping going with a job or regular routine can be a way of holding together your life. Even though your heart will not be in whatever you are doing, simply getting on with what has to be done can provide considerable comfort.

There are also physical symptoms that can affect us after the shock of bereavement. Common ones are loss of appetite, sleeping difficulties, a feeling of mental and physical exhaustion, forgetfulness, restlessness, irritability and feeling anxious or panicky. There may be uncontrollable fits of crying, or an inability to cry and a feeling of guilt that we are not grieving properly.

These feelings can be alarming but they are not abnormal. Trying to eat regularly and sensibly and taking some exercise is important, and contact with your doctor is a good idea if you are worried you are becoming depressed or seriously ill. Many people will go over the events surrounding a death again and again and 'if only' often plays a large part in this. 'If only' the doctor had been called sooner, 'if only' we had not had that argument.

Sometimes we blame ourselves, and anything that we feel was left unsaid or undone can make us feel even deeper regret. It can be hard to accept that we are ordinary humans and therefore cannot be perfect. When things are very bad, concentrate on taking each hour as it comes and try not to worry about what the next day might bring. Getting through the day can bring an enormous effort, and it is important to give yourself credit just for surviving. Some days it may seem as though life is black and nothing can ever be right again, while the next day the fog may lift and the future may look more positive.

We need to accept that there are bound to be good days and bad days, get through them as best we can and try and notice when something gives comfort.

While family and friends can be of great help, they should not be blamed if the help they offer is 'the wrong sort' or even if they seem to avoid us - they may feel allowing some space is the best thing to do, or may simply be unsure of how to act.

The only certainty in the whole grieving process is that, eventually, healing does come. While nothing can replace the person who has gone, new things come along that will slowly help fill the gap they have left. It is not so much that time heals, more that it allows us to work through our loss to a stage where we can accept what has happened. It is vital to allow feelings to run their course until you feel able to let go of your sadness. That time will come and one day and you really will feel ready to face the future again.

Information supplied by Caroline Morcom, an experienced Cruse counsellor

12 August 2002